Who Are The People At Your Local Gym?

Going to the gym is a little bit like going to the circus.  The characters one encounters are beyond anything you could hope to find at even the freakiest freak-show. Let me just briefly chronicle a few of my favorite characters.

Germ-o-phobe Guy-  Germ-o-phobe guy is frighteningly thin, guant, and intense. He goes to the gym covered from head toe. No. I mean COVERED. Long pants, long shirt, bandana wrapped around his head, gloves on his hands. Perhaps the thought of touching another person's sweat simply overwhelms him, but he does not allow a single inch of skin to touch any gym surface. Before using a piece of equipment he wipes it down with his OWN Clorox wipes that he brings from home. He then lays towels down on everything. Needless to say, with all the sweating he does under all those layers of clothes, he smells like someone's dirty gym socks they left in their locker for 3.5 years.

Excessive Grunting Guy- This one you can hear from across the gym. Only he doesn't only grunt - but yells, and highcoughs, and spits, and shoots fire from his ears!! I look over and see the veins in his head bursting. He is bright bright red and I am fairly certain that at any moment, his head will explode. Thankfully Germ-o-phobe guy has plenty of Clorox wipes to assist with clean up

Beefy Lady- Look- more power to you lady. You are 5'10" and have more muscle than me and my husband combined. But when you look at me with your fake tan, bleached blonde hair, and nail extensions that rival Wolverine, and give me that  "pish posh scrawny girl and her 10lb weights" look, I sort of want to rip your lycra bike shorts from your waist and wrap them around your neck. I'm just saying...

At Least I Look Cute Lady- Every gym has one. Or ten. She is decked out in the most expensive EVERYthing, full face of makeup, hair done, and a weight in one hand. She then proceeds to hold said weight and wander around the gym talking to dudes. I check every once and while to see if the weight has changed position or perhaps if she has decided to get on a machine. Once I believe I saw look perplexedly at the treadmill, shake her head, and then continue to gab whilst holding the weight. I am baffled as to how she stays so thin, considering she has never once worked out, but have to think that she could better be spending her $50 a month elsewhere.

Creepy Old Guy- I think this one speak for itself. I'm not completely sure, but I think he may even have given me a kissy face one time

WORKOUT IS LIFE Couple- These two treat a trip to the gym like they are fu**ing. No seriously.  One of them sits on a machine while the other one spots. They then proceed to encourage each other by saying things like "Oh yea baby, do it. Do it. Oh yea, you're so close."

Sometimes I close my eyes and pretend I am watching amateur porn. It's certainly more exciting than watching myself lift weights in the mirror.

And the list goes on and on and on.....

Cleric Lorraine Palizza Presiding

So I did it. This here atheist married her two best friends, Kate and Jim out on the docks in Long Island.

Check out the pics here...

Here's a sneak preview

To say the least, this was the most amazing experience. My two best friends asked me to MARRY them! I was so choked up when Kate walked down the aisle that I had to seriously pull it together when it was time to speak. HOWEVER, I got rave reviews and everyone told me I did a great job. In fact some guy even asked if I could perform his vow renewal!! (We'll see about that...).

In any event, it was pretty funny. Several people came up to me to tell me what a beautiful ceremony it was, which was nice. But then they'd ask if I was actually a minister. When I then explained that NO  I was not, but in fact I just got a certificate online for $29.95...the looks I got were pretty amusing.

At the end of the day, though, it was the most amazing experience and I am beyond honored that my friends asked me to perform their wedding. I will never forget this.  The wedding was gorgeous- an open air pavilion on the bay. The weather was perfect. 85 degrees with no humidity and not a cloud in the sky.  AMAZING band. And to top it off, someone was setting off a fireworks display across the bay right in the middle of the ceremony. Unreal.

What's YOUR Favorite Flavor?

Can't beat the selection in the Mexican Food Aisle at the Shop-Rite.

Bad Blogger

 Apologies for my disappearance. This whole moving thing is seriously eating my time. Will return when settled!!

Packing It In

Chris and I are hoping to move on July 26. That means it is packing time. I have moved almost every year since high school, whether it was from dorm to dorm or state to state....2006-2008 was the longest I'd stayed in one place since high school.

So you'd think I'd be a pro at it, right? Wrong. My problem is that I become totally overwhelmed by the process. I either start throwing everything out or packing everything in a box until I have 23 boxes marked "Miscellaneous" and one marked "Towels."  And that's as far as I get. Chris has a different approach. It took him the entire day to pack one room, being that he has to meticulously go through every single item in it. I was at the point where he was telling me "We need a box for junk and a box for doo-dads!!!"  when I totally zoned out. To add to it, I'm disgustingly ill today. A combination of no sleep and working a lot has left me with a nasty cold. 

Things I did succeed in doing today?

1. Take everything off the walls

2. Take nails out of walls

3. Fill a box or two

4. Find every guitar pick I had ever misplaced since Xmas

5. Fall asleep on the futon in the office while Chris continued to pack.

Needless to say, it was less than productive. Ah well. 

That Number Does Not Compute

Today I went to get gas at the local Getty station. I love this Getty station because it is run by a little Filipino man who loves everyone and pumps your gas for you...no extra charge. The gas there is usually a few cents cheaper too, and it is absolutely no frills. Something that is particularly no frills are the pumps themselves. They are the old school pumps with the rotating numbers and no option for "swipe your card and go" service. I notice a piece of paper taped to the pump. This is what it says.

"Due to the mechanical inability of this pump to recognize prices above $4.00, The Department of Weights and Measures has authorized the use of half gallon pricing. Therefore, your total cost will be double what it states on the pump."

Let me just reiterate that. Due to the "mechanical inability" of the pump, $4.00 gas was never supposed to exist. Let alone $4.25 gas. I wonder what's going to happen to my beloved Getty when gas hits $8.00 a gallon? Go out of business or get new pumps, I suppose. It's a sad sad state of things indeed.

Stimulus THIS

So Chris and I logged on to our bank account to find that, low and behold, our $1200 stimulus check has been direct deposited. Now we know what we are supposed to be doing with this check. We are supposed to be buying 1/2 a big screen plasma screen TV, we are supposed to be buying 3/4 of a laptop, we are supposed to be investing it in shares of a failing stock, or we are supposed to be taking a road trip on $1200 worth of gas, perhaps to somewhere exotic like...Southern Jersey.

But you know what we did with OUR stimulus check? Click. Transfer. Into Savings. Yes, folks. The economy blows, but quite honestly I know that we are going to need that $1200 for something legitimate, like (not even) 1/2 of a monthly mortgage payment. SO, we saved it. My hope is that most Americans with too. Not because I want the economy to fail. But because I think the problem with the economy is that Americans always want what they can't afford, and they want it right now. Perhaps if we all just paid for the things we need before the things we want, we'd all be in a better place. Now I am no saving guru. I spend on stupid shit sometimes. But that isn't very often. The fact is, I know that I need a lot of things for my house. And there are a lot of things I need long before I will EVER need a flat screen TV.

On that note, just another sign of a failing economy. I saw a commerical  today for Michigan. Yes, you heard me correctly. A commercial. As in, please move your entrepreneurial company to Michigan because we have a sick unemployment rate, and sure the state is in total disarray, but wouldn't you love to live in the lovely mitten state? That made me a bit sad. To say the least. 

Easy as 1..2..7...?

I never really liked math. Thankfully, I was always pretty good at it. But I never really liked it. So I'm not one to scoff at those who suck at it. But today was the classic example of why our society is generally dumb.

I go to the market today to pick up some fish for dinner. I enjoy buying fresh fish the day of.  So I have my fish, my red onion, a few other incidentals. The woman in front of me is talking to her daughter and is not speaking English. The cashier rings up her total. It comes to $19.28. She hands the cashier a 20. He punches it in and once the drawer is already opened, he is ready to hand her the 72 cents it tells him she is owed. She gestures to her purse and takes out some change.  The cashier gets a dollar bill ready, assuming it is going to be EXACT change.

Uh oh. She throws him for a loop and hands him 35 cents. Cashier boy, whose name of course is Kolby and is no more than 17, gets a look of complete horror on his face. He stops and stares as the 35 cents for what seems like an eternity, eyes widening and face getting redder by the second. I see the gears turning in his head. Is this really that hard? I mean come on. Even if you just count on your fingers, it's not that hard to do 35 minus 28!! 

I'd say a good  30 seconds went by. Sweet little Kolby is just staring at the screen. Perhaps he was hoping he could pull up a calculator function. Perhaps he was contemplating taking out his cell phone and using the function on there.  But then I realize something.  Oh my goodness. He doesn't even know how to make change!! He doesn't even know that all you have to do is take 35 minus 28...plus the dollar. I could see if the math was getting crazy. Like four or five dollars worth with confusing amounts of coins kinda change. But this is easy. He stares back at the woman who is still talking to her daughter, almost oblivious. He then asks her if she has exact change!

Only one problem. She doesn't speak English. She just says something in Spanish and points back at the money she has already given him. The perfectly valid 35 cents that should for no reason be returned to its previous owner. I look at Kolby and consider telling him that he owes her $1.07. But I think Kolby's pride was hurt enough, and I was sort of enjoying the spectacle if I'm honest.

Kolby turns back to his drawer. His hand hovers over the nickels, then back to the dimes, finally landing on the pennies. I think perhaps he's got it figured out. He picks up two pennies. . I try using some Jedi mind action to guide his hand over to the nickels. His hand is still hovering. It wavers. It shakes. It.....

...hands the two pennies to the woman. Still engaged in conversation, she is none the wiser and walks away, 5 cents short.  Oh Kolby, you were so close. You knew that from $19.28 you had to round up to SOMEthing...but it wasn't the right thing. And thus begins yet another generation of dumbed down technology dependence. (Man, when did I get so old??)

O-BA-MA!!! O-BA-MA!!!

Victory never felt so good. Whether you are a supporter or not, go watch his speech from last night. You would have to be made of steel not to feel inspired and moved.

Now, we move forward.

Is There Any Cure for Me!?!

The multiple listing service (MLS), where all the real estate for sale is listed, has become my new best friend.  I know what you're saying. Lorraine, you already bought a house, you can stop looking now. 

No, I can't. You see I have developed a nasty virus.  Unlike the typical "buyer's remorse" you often hear about, I have developed something on the total opposite end of the spectrum. It's called 

"I got the nicest house in my price range, nanny nanny poo poo-itis."  

I hear it may even me incurable. Symptoms include:

*Compulsively checking MLS for homes in the same price range that I got my home for

*Thoroughly examining each photo of said houses and scoffing at the ugly carpet, impossible to remover wallpaper, or horrific hot pink and orange bathroom tile.

*Calculating the amount of acreage of said houses times the desirability of location divided by the cost of taxes to the power of home renovations needed...times pi.

*Basking in the realization that my house has the most acreage, best location, moderate taxes, and least renovations needed of the homes in its price range....times pi.

*Compulsively RE-checking MLS in surrounding areas as well, to make sure that I'm still right.

Yup, it's a nasty nasty case I've got. But boy does it make me feel good at the end of the day!