Tidbits and...Turds?

Thoughts for the day...

-Tug has run full force into the porch screen door at least 10 times. I am wondering how long it will take him to get the concept

-Going to Cape Cod tomorrow and am wondering how many pairs of shorts I will actually require for 7 days at the beach. My current estimation seems to be somewhere in between 5 and 349058977.

-A trip to the Home Depot always seems to go something like this. You need sliders for the bottom of your chairs. You search in and out of every aisle until you realize you are never going to find them. You search guerilla style for a man in an orange apron, peeking in and out of every aisle until you spot one. He is surrounded by five other hungry shoppers, hovering like wolves. You wait your turn until forty-five minutes later you find your self stalking and accosting a poor acne ridden adolescent boy on his way to the bathroom rolling up his apron about the get off work and beg him desperately for the chair sliders. He directs you to the wrong aisle and you start the process all over again.

-I never watch TV. I am home alone today off from work, however, and was watching the Olympics. They ended and Martha Stewart came on. About five minutes in she referred so some poor chef's cupcake creation as looking like a "piece of turd." Tell me again why this woman is on TV.

Ok. That's  it for now folks.

Long Island...and then some

So here's the thing about my lady friends and bachelorette parties. Everyone I know has always said "I don't want any strippers" and I have been more than happy to oblige. I never had the slightest urge for one myself. But...then Jessica was having her party. And if anyone needs a stripper, it's Jessica. SO we all called Hunk-O-Mania and ordered a stripper. It went something like this...

Them: "Hunk-o-Mania, how can we help you?"

Us: "Ah yes...we'd like...one stripper please."

Them: "For when and what time?"

Us: "Um...Saturday at 6:30?"

Them: "What theme would you like?"

Us: "I'm sorry? Like...under the sea? or back to the future?"

Them: "No. Like policeman, fireman, doctor...."

Us: "OH YES!! Um...policeman please."

Them: "Officer Matt will arrive at 6:30. That will be $300 for a half hour."

Who knew strippers could be so expensive? And it was quite a business transaction, might I add. Jessica was not expecting a thing and Officer Matt was probably the nicest guy I have met in awhile. Not skeevy and no they don't get all the way naked. We thought it might be more like him doing a little dance, but in the end it was more like him totally violating us (in a PG-13 kinda way, nothing too horrible) and putting us all in these ridiculous positions like nothing I have ever seen in my life. It was really amusing and I'm really glad that I got to experience it...one time. That will probably be enough.  We then headed out to Fire Island and had an awesome night. Seriously it was so much fun.  Then since I am off for 3 weeks, I decided to stay at Kate's out on Long Island for the week. We basically ate, drank, and sat on the beach all week. It was awesome. Now I have to tend to the house and ya know...keep unpacking!!!!!

Dog Days

For the first time in probably....ever...Chris came to ME with a seemingly absurd statement.

"Lorraine, we need to get another dog."

I stopped for a moment and looked over. Was this my husband? My very sensible practical husband who does nothing close to impulsive? I examined him for a moment to make sure some alien clone had not taken over his body and yes, it seems that it was in fact my husband.

"Tug is all alone during the day now. He needs a friend."

I'm fairly certain that I had been begging for another dog since I started taking in random strays when we first got married. But now he was coming to ME with this request. He wanted a second dog. Another small one. Maybe a rescue dog who was calm, a little older than a puppy and already house trained. Well that sounds wonderful. Where can we special order one of those?? Last I heard the shelter was the puppy home for wayward souls, but I'd be more than happy to try.

So we take a trip to the local Humane Society. We are just dog browsing at this point. A family trip to Cape Cod in a few weeks causes us to question getting a dog before we get back. We are taking Tug with us to Cape Cod, but new mystery dog may not be ready for a frolic on the beach. New mystery dog may not be as well trained as Tug.  We go into the shelter as if we are walking onto a used car lot. Don't give into high pressure. We're just LOOKING! We're not ready to take ANYTHING home. More or less we just want to get an idea of what kinds of dogs frequent the local shelter.

Of course almost instantly we have a friendly older volunteer walk up to us asking what it was we're looking for. We give me our order. He pauses and more or less says we won't find anything like that here. I peruse the cages. Pitbull. Staffie. Shepherd mix. Pitubull. Staffie. Sherpherd mix. A Greater Pyrennes, which in another life I would LOVE to have. But essentially we need something small to medium. A few more volunteers come up to us. 

They ask if we could at least take a dog on a walk (since we are clearly worthless bastards who won't adopt a dog today). We feel bad. Very bad. So we take "Paul" on a walk. "Paul" is a pitbull who they tell us is the "good boy" out of the bunch. "Paul" drags us halfway down the block attempting to chase after every car, eat every piece of garbage, and take a chunk out of Chris's face. Since they said "Paul" was the good boy, we are questioning the caliber of dog we will find here. Now granted, I am ALL FOR adopting a dog. There is no reason not to. But until we can find that very special someone, I don't intend to take home any "Pauls" any time soon.

Wish us luck!!

It's Official!

Well, it's official ladies and gentlemen. Chris and I have moved into our first home. And we love it. After offering pizza and beer to my closest friends and family, we managed to complete the move in no time and save a ton of money by not hiring any damn movers (My recommendation? Just befriend burly men....or at least wimpy men like my friends who can muster up enough burly to move some shit).

However, it's the unpacking things that is getting to me slightly. The last time I moved, I was in between jobs and had all the time in the world to unpack. This time? Not to much. In fact, I am lucky if I even unpack a single item when I get home from work. Granted Chris and Jim managed to find the time to build a horseshoe pit in my backyard to play and drink beers at, but who needs clothes in the closet? Or shades on the windows? Or food in the pantry? Nah, not us. As long as we've got some horseshoes and some beer, we're apparently all good.

In any event, I've done some exploring of my new surroundings. It's quite gorgeous up here and close enough to everything that I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. It's about an hour from NYC..so definitely further than before...but I'm not cryin' about it. The dark skies and infinite stars that I see make up for it, trust me. Although the wide range of totally unidentifiable bugs...that I could do without. (I'm talking mutant bugs. Crazy bugs. Bugs I've never seen in my LIFE!).

So here's to home ownership. What does it really mean? It means I now check my account balance before I buy a bottle of water, cuz you never do know if there is any money in it.
Cheers!

Who Are The People At Your Local Gym?

Going to the gym is a little bit like going to the circus.  The characters one encounters are beyond anything you could hope to find at even the freakiest freak-show. Let me just briefly chronicle a few of my favorite characters.

Germ-o-phobe Guy-  Germ-o-phobe guy is frighteningly thin, guant, and intense. He goes to the gym covered from head toe. No. I mean COVERED. Long pants, long shirt, bandana wrapped around his head, gloves on his hands. Perhaps the thought of touching another person's sweat simply overwhelms him, but he does not allow a single inch of skin to touch any gym surface. Before using a piece of equipment he wipes it down with his OWN Clorox wipes that he brings from home. He then lays towels down on everything. Needless to say, with all the sweating he does under all those layers of clothes, he smells like someone's dirty gym socks they left in their locker for 3.5 years.

Excessive Grunting Guy- This one you can hear from across the gym. Only he doesn't only grunt - but yells, and highcoughs, and spits, and shoots fire from his ears!! I look over and see the veins in his head bursting. He is bright bright red and I am fairly certain that at any moment, his head will explode. Thankfully Germ-o-phobe guy has plenty of Clorox wipes to assist with clean up

Beefy Lady- Look- more power to you lady. You are 5'10" and have more muscle than me and my husband combined. But when you look at me with your fake tan, bleached blonde hair, and nail extensions that rival Wolverine, and give me that  "pish posh scrawny girl and her 10lb weights" look, I sort of want to rip your lycra bike shorts from your waist and wrap them around your neck. I'm just saying...

At Least I Look Cute Lady- Every gym has one. Or ten. She is decked out in the most expensive EVERYthing, full face of makeup, hair done, and a weight in one hand. She then proceeds to hold said weight and wander around the gym talking to dudes. I check every once and while to see if the weight has changed position or perhaps if she has decided to get on a machine. Once I believe I saw look perplexedly at the treadmill, shake her head, and then continue to gab whilst holding the weight. I am baffled as to how she stays so thin, considering she has never once worked out, but have to think that she could better be spending her $50 a month elsewhere.

Creepy Old Guy- I think this one speak for itself. I'm not completely sure, but I think he may even have given me a kissy face one time

WORKOUT IS LIFE Couple- These two treat a trip to the gym like they are fu**ing. No seriously.  One of them sits on a machine while the other one spots. They then proceed to encourage each other by saying things like "Oh yea baby, do it. Do it. Oh yea, you're so close."

Sometimes I close my eyes and pretend I am watching amateur porn. It's certainly more exciting than watching myself lift weights in the mirror.

And the list goes on and on and on.....

Cleric Lorraine Palizza Presiding

So I did it. This here atheist married her two best friends, Kate and Jim out on the docks in Long Island.

Check out the pics here...

Here's a sneak preview

To say the least, this was the most amazing experience. My two best friends asked me to MARRY them! I was so choked up when Kate walked down the aisle that I had to seriously pull it together when it was time to speak. HOWEVER, I got rave reviews and everyone told me I did a great job. In fact some guy even asked if I could perform his vow renewal!! (We'll see about that...).

In any event, it was pretty funny. Several people came up to me to tell me what a beautiful ceremony it was, which was nice. But then they'd ask if I was actually a minister. When I then explained that NO  I was not, but in fact I just got a certificate online for $29.95...the looks I got were pretty amusing.

At the end of the day, though, it was the most amazing experience and I am beyond honored that my friends asked me to perform their wedding. I will never forget this.  The wedding was gorgeous- an open air pavilion on the bay. The weather was perfect. 85 degrees with no humidity and not a cloud in the sky.  AMAZING band. And to top it off, someone was setting off a fireworks display across the bay right in the middle of the ceremony. Unreal.

What's YOUR Favorite Flavor?

Can't beat the selection in the Mexican Food Aisle at the Shop-Rite.

Bad Blogger

 Apologies for my disappearance. This whole moving thing is seriously eating my time. Will return when settled!!

Packing It In

Chris and I are hoping to move on July 26. That means it is packing time. I have moved almost every year since high school, whether it was from dorm to dorm or state to state....2006-2008 was the longest I'd stayed in one place since high school.

So you'd think I'd be a pro at it, right? Wrong. My problem is that I become totally overwhelmed by the process. I either start throwing everything out or packing everything in a box until I have 23 boxes marked "Miscellaneous" and one marked "Towels."  And that's as far as I get. Chris has a different approach. It took him the entire day to pack one room, being that he has to meticulously go through every single item in it. I was at the point where he was telling me "We need a box for junk and a box for doo-dads!!!"  when I totally zoned out. To add to it, I'm disgustingly ill today. A combination of no sleep and working a lot has left me with a nasty cold. 

Things I did succeed in doing today?

1. Take everything off the walls

2. Take nails out of walls

3. Fill a box or two

4. Find every guitar pick I had ever misplaced since Xmas

5. Fall asleep on the futon in the office while Chris continued to pack.

Needless to say, it was less than productive. Ah well. 

That Number Does Not Compute

Today I went to get gas at the local Getty station. I love this Getty station because it is run by a little Filipino man who loves everyone and pumps your gas for you...no extra charge. The gas there is usually a few cents cheaper too, and it is absolutely no frills. Something that is particularly no frills are the pumps themselves. They are the old school pumps with the rotating numbers and no option for "swipe your card and go" service. I notice a piece of paper taped to the pump. This is what it says.

"Due to the mechanical inability of this pump to recognize prices above $4.00, The Department of Weights and Measures has authorized the use of half gallon pricing. Therefore, your total cost will be double what it states on the pump."

Let me just reiterate that. Due to the "mechanical inability" of the pump, $4.00 gas was never supposed to exist. Let alone $4.25 gas. I wonder what's going to happen to my beloved Getty when gas hits $8.00 a gallon? Go out of business or get new pumps, I suppose. It's a sad sad state of things indeed.